


Damage

by kaeylix



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Brief mention of suicide attempt, F/M, Fiction, Mention of Non-Con/Rape, Original Characters - Freeform, Original work - Freeform, POV First Person, Parenthood, chapters inspired by songs, mention of graphic depiction of violence through nightmare, mention of underage rape/non-con, nonlinear storytelling, single parent, started off as a writing exercise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-04-05 19:32:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 12,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19046929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaeylix/pseuds/kaeylix
Summary: Life has a way of taking pieces out of us and leaving us with scars.This is my story. -Astridnonlinear story of the life of a girl





	1. Way Down We Go

**Author's Note:**

> so this is something of an original work that started off as just a writing exercise but has since become something I wouldn't mind sharing.   
> each chapter is named after the song that inspired each part so, i guess, enjoy?

"Way Down We Go"

It's like I never left, no matter how much I had hoped he would have changed. Getting our daughter to go to bed tonight had been harder than usual, even though I could tell she was tired from a long day of having played and socialized, she was still too keyed up to be willing to let herself go to sleep. I blame the fact that she still suffers from nightmares for why she doesn't like to go to sleep early. 

His friends and him have been drinking and playing in the front room now since sunset, the remnants of the stack of pizzas they had ordered put away in the fridge while the boxes are stacked by the door. There's soda bottles, liquor bottles, cups galore and papers everywhere.   
I should make him pick everything up himself but I know he won't so might as well just start cleaning up.   
There's headlights illuminating the window for the front room, the last of his friends are finally leaving for the night when I hear the screen door open and the wooden door swing open as I come back from the kitchen with a trash bag.  
Stopping long enough to see him step inside and close the door behind him, I start in on the empty soda bottles, picking them up one by one and dumping them into the trash bag, keeping my gaze to the task at hand. 

"You don't have to do that...."

My hand stills inches away from the first empty bottle of Kraken rum, my gaze turning in his direction as I try to keep the surprise from being obvious at his words. He looks lost, unsure of himself for a moment before he continues, stepping towards me to pick up an empty bottle and toss it into the trash bag in my hand.

"I was gonna clean up after they left... "

I let him take the bag from me as he goes about picking up the last few empty bottles on the long oval gaming table set in the middle of the front room. Shrugging a shoulder nonchalantly, I bend to pick up the papers scattered on the floor into a stack to place back on the desk to one side of the table. 

"It's fine... "

"You look tired, why don't you let me clean up here and you head to bed?"

He's bending to try to pick up the papers I already have in a stack, the bag in his hand rustling and the plastic bottles inside knocking against each other in his haste.  
_Ok, I get the point...  
_Giving a small sigh, I let him pick up the papers and move on to the stack of pizza boxes by the door.

"Insomnia remember? besides I got a nap in when I finally got her to go to sleep."

He's already putting the papers away back on the desk when I pick up the first of the pizza boxes to break it down flat when I hear him speak up from behind me.

"Leave them, I'll put them out later..."

Giving a tired and somewhat frustrated sigh, I let the stupid pizza box fall back to the pile by the door and turn back to the table to pick up and stack the somewhat empty glasses on and around his gaming table. I feel jittery, like there's too much energy thrumming under the surface and I need to move, to do something.

"Will you just leave it? I said I'd handle it... Go to bed,please? I'll be there soon enough."

I don't want to flinch when he reprimands me but damn it, that's just what ends up happening. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell..."

"It's fine.. Forget it..."

"No... I don't want to forget it... This is supposed to be different than the last time... But its like you want nothing to do with me... You sleep in her room and not with me, its like I don't even have a girlfriend...."

I want to deny his accusations, his feelings, just all of it but honestly, I can't. I do sleep in our daughters room to avoid sleeping next to him. This is supposed to be different than the last time I was here. But I'm not really giving this much of a chance now am I? Not if I make him feel so alone again, like he did to me the last time around.  
Sighing softly in defeat, I can feel the tension in  my shoulders draining as I take a step back from him, from the table, from all of this.   
_Yup, that's right, run, like you always do... Don't face anything... Fucking coward...._

"Sorry... I'll leave you to clean up... I'm going to bed..."

I'm avoiding looking at him directly, trying to back away and just retreat. Avoid a fight. But it's kinda too late for that last part isn't it?  
He reaches for my arm, dropping the last few papers in his hands and for a moment I think he's actually gonna hit me. Yeah, I know, stupid irrational fear. Hello PTSD, I didn't miss you. 

"Will you fucking talk to me?! Acknowledge that there's a problem here so we can try to fix it... Please?"

The pleading tone to his voice is what finally makes me look up at him just as he lets me go. 

"I fucking miss you damn it... Don't do this to me now that I have you back..."

There's pain in his eyes as he steps closer to me, his face inching closer to mine and for a moment I feel lost. The feel of his lips as they press against mine open something inside of me that I thought was dead and gone as he pulls me closer to him. Even now he's hesitant, afraid of being rejected by me I guess. I really am just a shitty person, ain't I?  
Letting him pull me into his embrace, I lace my arms around his neck, pulling him in closer as I begin to kiss him back. The sound of his breathing through his nose, taking in my scent and the feel of his arms wrapping around my waist to pull me flush against him bring a small whimper from me when I feel just how hard he's becoming from one simple kiss. One simple kiss that slowly deepens into so much more.   
I didn't think I could ever really open up to him again, that I could ever feel anything for him but here I am, kissing him, holding him, wanting him. Wanting to make up for the months of keeping myself from him.   
He backs me up to the nearest unoccupied wall, hands skimming down my sides and up under my shirt, his touch is almost reverent as his lips trail kisses down the side of my neck and his hips grind intimately against mine. My breath hitches as I find myself tipping my head to one side to give him better access, eyes closing on their own as I slowly lose myself to his touch. A small shuddering gasp of pleasure escapes me when I feel his teeth sink in just this side of pleasure into the side of my neck. His name escapes me on a moan, my hips grinding and rolling into his, almost teasing him. It wouldn't take much for him to just lift my skirt and....  
  
He pulls back from me just enough to look into my eyes, holding my head gently between his hands as he presses his forehead against mine, his breath coming in short heated breathless pants. It takes me a moment to open my eyes, to realize he's waiting... for what?  
His gaze searches mine for what feels like an eternity though it could have been just a few seconds before I pull him back in for another deep searing kiss.   
The feel of his hands tracing down my hips, pulling up my skirt brings a thrill up my spine, I find myself reaching between us, my hand find its way to his button fly, working quickly to free him. 

"Please....Please....Please...."

I don't even know what I'm asking him for, breathless as I am, needy as I feel. All I know is that he can give it to me.   
The first brush of hard unyielding flesh brings a soft whimper before he leans in to kiss me, sinking in deep.  
Gods, its been so long.   
Every thrust, every roll, every grind of his hips into mine brings whimpers, moans and cries for him not to stop from me as I hold onto him. He hitches me up in his arms, pressing me closer into the wall as he guides my legs to wrap around his waist and my eyes roll back into my head. Somewhere in the back of my head I register the grunts of pleasure from him, the feel of his back under my hands as I claw at him, the feel of him pistoning in and out of me as I clench tighter and tighter around him before everything goes white.  
I'm breathless as my sight slowly comes back. We're on the floor and he's holding me close. Trembling. Still deep inside. 

"I love you..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song inspiration: "Way down we go" by Kaleo


	2. Beautiful Pain

"Beautiful Pain"

Its another night of nightmares, another night of wishing I could just sink into oblivion. No dreams. No Memories. Nothing.  
Kiddo's still asleep on the other side of the bed. So glad I went all out and bought an alaskan king.   
Sitting on the edge of the bed, one foot on the floor I cradle my head in my hands, fighting with myself not to cry, not to scream, not to dig my nails in deep and just claw till I draw blood.   
I'm still fighting with myself over the bad shit, the past feelings, the truth and my choices.   
That life is done. Over. I'm better here. I have a life, friends, someone who cares enough. We don't see each other often enough to give a name or title to whatever it is we have but hey, I think I'm fine with that.   
Slowly exhaling, I run my fingers through my waist length hair, pushing it back away from my face before I realize how warm it feels in the room.    
Groaning in disgust, I crawl across the bed towards the kiddo's side, pulling her shirt back down over her stomach before leaning over her to reach for the handle for the window, slowly and carefully pulling it back to open enough to let in a stray cool breeze.   
Damn, I need to get air conditioning or something. Summers here are gonna kill me.   
Settling back on the mattress on my side, I wait a beat, hoping I didn't make alot of noise to wake the kiddo just to be greeted by peaceful little snores from her. Yay, now to make my quick get away.   
Grabbing my cell as I slide off the bed and get to my feet, I quietly make my way out of the room, leaving the door open a crack while flicking on the nightlight out in the hallway for just in case she does wake up.   
Half way down the stairs, I unlock my cell to be greeted by glaring light. Gaah, death by cellphone light.   
I almost miss that last few steps on the way down but catch myself at the last second, grabbing onto the rail.   
So much for my night vision.   
Checking my messages at the bottom of the stairs, weaving my way around the bean bag chairs in the small living room to the front door, I take note of one particular message.  
Stepping out onto the porch, I read over Gemini's message, drawing the pack of menthols in the back pocket of my hip hugger jeans I'd slept in one handed as I start to type a reply.   
I'm so glad I still have her in my life after all this time, such a wonderful caring person.  
Shaking out a cig from the soft pack before fishing out my zippo, I settle on the porch swing, the crickets chirping in the early morning dark the only thing to break the quiet besides my shitty one handed typing on my phone. Well, that is until I hear the low rumbling of a familiar truck ambling its way down the block to come to a stop just in front of my place.   
Pressing send as I flick open my zippo, I glance up long enough to see him turning off his truck and stepping out, quietly shutting the driver side door while I light my menthol. 

"I thought you had work till 6..."

"I finished early... how long you been up?"

"Not long... Kiddo's still asleep. Theres a bottle of Crown in the kitchen with your name on it, leftover pizza in the fridge...want me to run a bath for you? I can give you a massage after...  Y'look like you could use one..."

"That... would be heaven..."

I love days like this when he comes by after work. He may be tired as fuck, sore as shit and aching for bed but at least we get to spend some time together.   
We fall into the routine, I get his bath ready, he gets a bite to eat. Its almost domestic. The massage later after his soak and bath is me just showing that I care.   
Theres a moment during all of it that I almost wish I had had this with someone else. But that's a million years ago and we never woulda worked for so many reasons.   
the futon in the spare room (technically supposed to be my room) is pulled out as I work over his sore limbs, massaging the aches and pains away till he's about boneless, groaning his appreciation.  
He pulls me down for a kiss, the smell of Crown lingering on his breath as our lips meet tenderly.   
We never talk about what we are, we both know what we feel for one another. I settle down next to him and cuddle into his side, unable to help the smirk making its way across my face when I hear and feel the moment he finally passes out into blissful sleep.   
I can't ask for more now, can I? Despite the nightmares, despite everything...   
It's only in his arms that I can finally find peaceful sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: "Beautiful Pain" by Eminem feat. Sia


	3. Circles

"Circles"

The bite of early winter has me bundling another blanket around her tonight to keep her warm. She doesn't fight me on it, doesn't kick off the blankets despite the warm two piece pants and night shirt she's got on.   
Her quiet snores are the only thing that fills the otherwise quiet in the room tonight.   
A glance out my window facing the east shows the early lightening of dawn's approach. Another insomnia night's claimed me again, but I can't really complain. Not after how things have gone for the past few days.   
I know how he is and yet I keep hoping for something better. I keep hoping he will some day grow up and step up like he keeps claiming he will because he loves her.   
Slipping off the alaskan king bed with cellphone in hand, shrugging on my long warm flannel jacket, I make my way out of the room and down the stairs.   
The need for a cigarette's been clawing at me all day. A cigarette and a drink.   
His words echo in my head as I toe my warm moccasins on before I make my way out onto the porch and take a seat on the porch swing.   
If it had just been private, at any other time that he had decided to pull his usual shit I don't think this would be bothering me as much, but no. He had to do it on the night that Gemini and Wolf were here.   
They heard how it escalated, heard what he said, got involved. And it all just went downhill from there.   
It's a little windy tonight as I light my first cig of the night, cold nipping at my face as I take that first drag once its lit and let it calm the angry wasps nest that my head feels like into numbing static.   
'If I let myself feel, let myself cry or even get beyond annoyed because of him then I'm giving him power'.  I keep repeating this mantra in my head as I find that I'm on the brink of tears, blinking them back despite how my sight blurs and my chest feels heavy.   
Fishing my cellphone out of my jacket pocket I turn it on to see 2 messages waiting for me.   
A small tired smirk makes its way across my face at the first message's sender name. 

          _ **Gemini:**_ _-hugs tightly- You are so much better than him  
                            Love ya_

Gemini really is a good friend.   
Despite not wanting to cry, I feel the first tear slowly make its way down my face as i read her message. Giving a little sniffle, I ash my cigarette before bringing it back to my lips, holding it there while I type my response.

          _ **Me:**_ _-hugs tight- Love ya too. Kiddo's asleep.  Sorry about  
                 tonight. Didn't think he'd end up calling and pulling shit. _

I take another long drag, breathing out smoke and pain, letting it go as I press the send button. I guess what they say about the shit that doesn't kill you is true. It just gives you a bunch of scars and makes you develop shitty coping skills.   
Sparing a glance up to the end of the driveway, the sight of Wolf's truck just parked right out front brings out a small tired sigh from me.   
I'm grateful he stayed when he didn't have to.   
My phone dings bringing my attention back to it. There's another message from Gemini but then I notice the other message senders name.   
Of course, as if his shitting on my night wasn't enough. He had to continue even after I ended the call. Fuck that. 

        _ **Gemini:**_ _not your fault  
                       you need sleepies too_

_**Me:** _ _eventually... Insomnia's kicking my ass tonight_

Just as I press the send button the front door creaks open. The sound of soft footsteps approaching from behind has me tensing for a moment before I will myself to relax, putting away my phone back in my pocket as Wolf settles down next to me on the porch swing. His arm's outstretched to the side as he sits down to catch me by the shoulder to pull me closer to him.   
It's easy enough to let him pull me into his side to cuddle, easy enough to ignore the urge to reach for the tumbler in his hand half full of Morgan and take a sip as I ground out the butt against the flat of my moccasin.

"Can't sleep?"

I peer up at him as I ask softly, watching him shake his head slightly before he brings the glass to his lips to take a drink. 

"Y'know, I still need to stab him.... Many times over with a sharpened rusty spoon..."

His voice is husky from sleep, bringing a shiver down my spine but his words surprise a laugh out of me. Snuggling into his side closer, I loop an arm around his midsection to hug him close.

"You say the sweetest things......but I still say I like ya better outside of prison...."

He offers the glass to me and I give in to the need for a taste, taking a quick sip before handing the glass back to him. The quiet of early dawn feels peaceful here on the porch as we cuddle for warmth and comfort, listening to crickets chirping just beyond the porch.

".....You gonna be ok?"

"....Yeah. I have to be, don't I ?"

"Not if you don't wanna..."

A soft sigh escapes me as I squeeze him in a tight hug, placing a gentle kiss over his heart, listening to a few birds chirping as the sky lightens from midnight monochrome to predawn.  
He leans forward slightly before I feel the soft kiss he places on my forehead, his hand slowly rubbing up and down my back and all the tension in me drains away. 

"C'mon, lets try to get in a nap at least before the day starts..."

Giving a small smile at the thought of a nap, I let go to get to my feet, leading the way back inside, letting him close and lock the door behind him before we head upstairs to the spare room to sleep.   
At least I have him and Gemini. At least.... 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: "Circles" by EDEN


	4. Wake Up

"Wake Up"

I look around the mostly empty room, the bare mattress sitting on the floor under me creaking slightly as I lean against the wall.   
My bags are packed and sitting by the door and all that greets me is silence tonight. He went off with his friends to go drink and party and blow off steam after our latest argument that ended with me in tears and him leaving.   
I doubt he'll come home again tonight.   
I can feel the tears burning and making it hard to breathe as my eyesight begins to blur.   
I feel like such a fool. He hasn't changed. He only got worse.   
And I, like an idiot, I willingly came back here to give him another chance.   
I broke my mom's heart and disappointed Gemini and everyone else who told me I was better off far away from him.  
And worst of all, I failed the kiddo. I honestly wanted this to work, I really did but still, I failed.  
She got a front row seat to our almost nightly arguments, heard me cry and was the only one there to comfort me after he'd leave to go off with friends.   
Sniffling lightly as I blink back the tears, I glance back towards where she's curled up under a soft plush blanket mom had sent up and on top of her flower pillow in a corner, feeling the guilt come back yet again when I see the faint red on her cheek from where he had hit her.   
She had gotten in between him and me just as the arguing got bad. I wasn't fast enough to pull her back and he had ended up back handing her out of anger.   
I know somewhere deep down inside he didn't mean to do it, I could see it in his eyes when it sunk in what he had done before she ran from him.   
And then, he left.  
Giving a soft sigh, I carefully get to my feet and cross the short distance over to our bags. It's been hours since he left, he didn't even say if he'd be back soon or not and I can't find the urge to care anymore. Tonight was the last straw.   
I'm tired and done with this sham of a life.   
Unzipping the smaller bag sitting on top of the other two, I take out my new cellphone to check the time.   
3 A.M.  
I wish I could sleep. Wish this was all just some long and ugly nightmare that I could wake up from. But sadly it's not.   
My insomnia's gotten worse since I came back and that quiet siren call to just pick up and leave continues to hound me.   
I guess its time to finally give in.  
I dial the number for a cab as I look back to where the kiddo is as she rolls over in her sleep.  
This really is for the better for us. She deserves better than this.   
I deserve better than this.   
The operator on the other end sounds tired as she asks for my name and my address, letting me know that it'll be a 15 minute wait before the line goes dead.   
15 minutes.   
More than enough time, I guess.   
I'm putting my cellphone away when I hear the mattress creak and small footsteps make their way towards me.

"Mama?"

She looks like she's only half awake when she hugs me from the side as I straighten back up, her gaze on the bags packed by the door.   
I think she finally understands why I had insisted on not getting attached to much while here. 

"The cab'll be here in 15.... Gimme your blanket, I'll put it away in the bag and we can get a quick bite to eat, ok?"

I feel her nod her head slightly before she pulls away to get the plush blanket for me. I have to make room for it in the smaller duffel on top of the two rolling suitcases, being careful to keep my laptop, hard drive and the lock box with the entire contents of my now emptied bank account still covered and the snacks on one side from getting all jumbled inside.   
It hurts going into the kitchen one last time to get something quick for the kiddo and me to eat while we wait for the cab to show up. I end up cleaning the room one last time, wanting to erase any sign of us ever having been here before taking the bags to the front room and sending Gemini a message.   
By the time that I hear the honk of the cab waiting out front, I'm a veritable mess, nerves shot and close to tears.   
There's a part of me that doesn't want to leave but the rest of me is screaming that its way past time to go. To close this chapter, finally, and move on to the next.   
The kiddo runs to the door then back to me and practically pulls me by the arm to get moving.   
It's all the encouragement I need to get the lead out already.  
Picking up our bags, I open the door and step out, the kiddo on my heels as I leave behind my key for the house on the table outside by the door after locking up, hidden under his ashtray.  
Maneuvering our bags into the back of the cab, the kiddo and me get in with one last look to the place we had tried to call home again before I give the driver our destination.  
It's only as we start to move that I realize that I'm crying.  
I guess endings always hurt.... even when they're necessary. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: "Wake Up" by EDEN


	5. In The House In A Heartbeat

"In The House In A Heartbeat"

 _Getting the kiddo to go to bed's never been an easy task, especially when he decides to invite his buddies over for game and drinks. Tonight's one of those night._  
_I spend the I don't know how much time it takes to get her to fall asleep in the backroom, silently hoping that no one decides to open the stupid kitchen door and let in the noise of their little D &D group out in the front room filter in and ruin the somewhat calm I've managed to lull the kiddo into with the lights off and soft music I found on Youtube playing in the background on my laptop. _  
_She's been fighting her sleep for a while now but the heavy droop of her eyes and eventual nodding off have me giving a small sigh of relief when she finally gives in and just passes out._  
_Tucking the blanket around her to make sure she stays warm, I quietly inch my way off the mattress on the floor to get to my feet and make my quiet exit from the room she and I share._  
_I can't remember a night that I haven't struggled to get her to sleep at a reasonable hour, I feel like such a failure._  
_Padding my way down the narrow hallway out to the kitchen, I have to fight from getting pissed off at the mess of dishes, cups, open containers with half eaten food by the sink, on the counter top in front of the hall leading to the backroom and some spilling on the floor._  
_He never cleans until it becomes a humongous mess and his mom ends up bitching when she comes by to pick up more of her stuff._  
_I can already feel the tears pricking my eyes as I set my resolve to just suck it up and pick up after him yet again when the door to the kitchen opens somewhat loudly. We really need to get that fixed._

_"Hello... sorry about the mess, Bjorn said he's gonna pick that up before he goes to bed. Kiddo asleep?"_

_I blink back the tears when Draco waves to me sheepishly, his tone is low and I can only silently thank whoever is up there who likes me that at least_ _**he** _ _has the decency to be thoughtful of the child in this house. I nod my head slightly to answer his question, not trusting myself to speak while averting my gaze from his back to the general mess in the kitchen._

_"Come and have a drink with us then, you look like you could use one."_

_"What about his friends?"_

_"They already went home. Come on. Join us."_

_Exhaling softly in defeat, I give in to the cajoling and exaggerated gestures that I should join him in the front room, moving to follow him out as he turns to walk back the way he had come in._  
_Kiddo's asleep so what could one drink hurt?_  
_The sight that greets me is no better than the kitchen. Open soda bottles, a bottle of Kraken rum on the long table, Bjorn's bottle of Whiskey he had bought today since it was pay day to help him unwind. And papers, dishes, an assortment of other stuff I really don't want to look at or I might just end up turning around and walking back to the darkened backroom to call it a night, all over the place._

_"Hey, is the kiddo asleep already? Sorry about the noise, I tried to make sure the guys would keep it down."_

_"She's asleep, had to turn off all the lights. You guys weren't (too) loud."_

_There's a look of relief on Bjorn's face as Draco gathers the used cups and dishes and carries them off to the kitchen to dump in the sink._  
_I take a seat closest to the door to the kitchen so just in case the kiddo wakes up I'll hear her moving around as Draco comes back with a bottle of RC and a fresh glass for me. Looks like he's playing bartender tonight. Yippee?_  
_It's been a while since I've really indulged in drinking so when he asks me how strong I want my drink I tell him to treat me like a lightweight which gets a snort of laughter out of Bjorn._

_"Dude, you are no lightweight. Katty is a lightweight, you can hold your shit down."_

_At the mention of my somewhat friend, I can't help the slight bristling, remembering how at one point he had wanted to date her before I shrug a shoulder nonchalantly._

_"I wanna still be kinda sober just in case the kiddo wakes up, ya know?"_

_"Aight, fine.... D, half and half please."_

_And just like that, I somehow manage to ruin whatever good possible mood there might have been by reminding him of our rule on drinking since we came back._  
  
_Why do things have to be awkward? Why can't I ever say the right thing?_  
  
_Draco slides my drink over before taking Bjorn's empty stein to give him a refill._  
_The rum and cola goes down smooth, warming me up from the inside and I can feel the tension from today slowly start to dissipate with each sip as Draco slides back Bjorn's drink to mix his own._  
_Bjorn eventually starts up a conversation with Draco that I mostly tune out as I finish off my drink, asking for a refill before heading off to check on the kiddo to make sure she's still asleep._  
_When I come back to the front and slide back into my seat, things seem a little lighter, Bjorn tries to include me in the conversation as Draco slides my drink back over my way._  
_I wish it didn't take alcohol to make things easier between Bjorn and me._  
_Somehow the conversation goes from games to anime to hentai to fetishes before getting personal about kinks and fantasies._  
_I've had 4 maybe 5 refills by this time so instead of just bowing out of the conversation like I probably should, I answer truthfully despite the faint flush that comes to my face._

_"Wait, you mean being spit roasted? Seriously?"_

_I can feel my face growing hot when he puts a name to the fantasy I've had now for a while. Instead of answering, I down the rest of my drink and set the cup back on the table, coughing slightly, shrugging a shoulder trying for nonchalance._

_"It's... Something I wouldn't mind trying once....not like there's any volunteers."_

_"Oh, I wouldn't say that...."_

_The grin on Bjorn's face makes a shiver go down my spine._  
_The rational side of my brain says this is a bad idea, but the alcohol addled side whispers to go for it._  
_Somehow I find myself agreeing to the idea of Bjorn and Draco helping me out with this little fantasy of mine before asking for a refill._  
_Whoo liquid courage._  
_The rum is almost gone, Draco's annoyed that Bjorn's gotten more than half the bottle with his half and halfs as I slide my glass over his way while getting to my feet._

_"Finish it off, I'm gonna go check on the kiddo..."_

_Heading back to the back room, I can't help wonder at what in the actual fuck I'm doing. I shouldn't have agreed, this is a stupid idea._  
_Footsteps behind me get my attention as I get to the doorway to the backroom, hand on the curtain to pull it back to peek in when I look back and see Bjorn heading inside and to the living room to one side of the kitchen, looking tired as hell._  
_Pulling back the curtain and stepping into the back room, I quietly make my way to the mattress on the floor where the kiddo sleeps, blinking a few times to let my vision grow accustomed to the darkness till I can make out the faint outline of her sprawled out on the mattress, the blanket I had put on her kicked to one side._  
_Of course._  
_Checking to make sure she's not over heated, I move the blanket back to cover her again before quietly making my way back out of the back room, silently grateful that she might actually sleep through the night for once._  
_I step into the bathroom to one side of the hallway, intent on brushing my teeth to make sure I don't wind up with a hangover when Draco quietly steps to the doorway of the bathroom._

_"Hey... Bjorn passed out in his chair."_

_"Ah... oh well, so much for tonight..."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Offers off the table since Bjorn's already out like a light."_

_"But... You offered..."_

_"I know I did but it was to the both of you... Since Bjorn's asleep... "_

_I trail off, hoping he gets the hint._

_"I don't care, you offered."_

_He steps towards me, making me take a step back from him. He can't really be serious, right?_

_"Draco, let me outta here..."_

_I'm trying to keep my tone low, trying to keep the mild claustrophobia from becoming not so mild with him stepping into the bathroom with me but with how little room there is to maneuver in here I don't think I'm doing such a good job of not panicking when he doesn't let me get past him._

_"No, you offered...."_

_I try to push him back but he won't budge._  
_Shit._  
_This isn't happening right now, right?_  
_I try to get past him again but he keeps me from getting out, his hands eventually finding their way around my wrists and the door somehow closes behind him. The mirrors of the sliding doors to the tub knock slightly as he maneuvers me around in that enclosed space, working to try and get both of my wrists in one of his huge hands while his other hand works to pull my yoga pants down my hips despite my twisting and trying to evade his hand._

_"Stop..."_

_I'm pulling my arms back, trying to get out of his grips as he gets my pants down to my thighs and the silk boy short panties I had on. He's not listening, intent on making good on an offer I took back and the rising panic inside has me pushing him back against the door hard. It doesn't look like it phases him one bit as he pushes back enough away from the door and his grip tightens on my wrists._

_"Let go Draco, Let go..."_

_"Sssh, you'll wake them."_

_My back is against the divider between the bathtub and the little closet by the door where we keep our towels as he roughly gets his hand between my legs, pushing a finger up inside of me. It hurts and I want to kick out at him but my pants hinder movement of that kind. My arms are aching, my wrists hurt, I want him to stop, to let me go but he won't._  
_If I just stop fighting he'll let me go faster...._  
_I stop struggling against him which surprises him, making him loosen his grip. My hands are free and I'm moving into place so this can just be done and over with already, leaning over the sink slightly. I keep my gaze to the white porcelain of the bathroom sink as he gets behind me._  
_If I just stop fighting it'll be over sooner...._

 *********************************************

Startling awake, My breath leaves me in a shuddering gasps. My chest feels heavy and it takes me a minute to take in a full breath that doesn't hurt. A cough escapes me as I sit up in bed only to almost fall off the edge of the alaskan king.  
It's still dark out so I couldn't have been out long.   
Casting my gaze to the other side of the bed, I breathe a sigh of relief when I see the kiddo is still asleep, the blanket I had tucked her in is still covering her mostly.   
Quietly getting to my feet, I make my way out of the room and down the stairs to the bathroom on the ground floor.  
My body is on autopilot, I'm trying not to think, trying to let go of the nightmare as I strip and step into the shower stall on one side, turning the water on as hot as I can stand it.  
The first spray of water that hits my back is lukewarm but its enough as I lean back against the back wall of the shower stall, letting myself slowly slide down till I'm sitting on the floor. Pulling my knees in close, I bow my head as I let the first of many sobs wrench its way out of me.   
I feel cold. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: "In the house in a heartbeat" from 28 Days Later soundtrack


	6. Elastic Heart

"Elastic Heart"

The first few weeks after the kiddo and I had gotten to Crossroads was spent with Gemini, bless that saint of a woman's soul for opening her home to us.   
She didn't push, she let me open up on my own, helped me get the kiddo enrolled in school, get her a pediatrician and just get my affairs in order.   
This was it, my new life, the new chance I was giving to the kiddo and me.   
At Gemini's urging, I went back into counseling after one particularly bad night where she found me in her bathroom crying my eyes out, butterfly knife in my lap stained from a mistake I had stopped myself at the last minute from completing.  
No words can describe just how grateful I am to her for being willing to put the kiddo and me up, for being my rock and finally for helping me find a little peace.   
The job she helped me find after a solid two weeks of job hunting had me planning already for the future.   
I didn't want to overstay my welcome so I looked into getting a small place for me and the kiddo.   
During all this time that I'm trying to settle, Bjorn's been in contact with me.  
Message after message of hate is vomited onto me for just up and leaving in the middle of the night, promises of how he's gonna have me locked up for kidnapping my own kid and just shit that I don't need to hear from him to remind me just how much of an asshole he is.  
I get a second job after I pass my 90 days so I don't have to think about his bullshit.   
  
Things are going good for a bit till I get called to the kiddo's school. She's suspended for getting into a fight and breaking a little boy's nose.   
  
The walk back to Gemini's after having to speak to her school's principal has me pushing her to keep up. I'm torn between being pissed that she's suspended for fighting and at a loss of what to do. 

"What were you thinking?! Seriously?! Fighting?!?"

She trails dutifully behind me, staying quiet as I fume and pour my anger out in every angry step I take. 

"Do you have  _any_  idea how lucky you are that its just a broken nose and not something worse?!  You coulda killed him.... What the actual fuck, kid?"

Her lip is trembling as her face crumples and she starts to sniffle dejectedly at the sharpness of my tone. Stopping mid angry stride, I exhale softly in defeat before turning to look back at her, walking those few steps back towards her where she had chosen to just stop in the middle of the sidewalk with her head bowed, kneeling down in front of her to be able to look her in the eye. 

"I'm disappointed, ok? Fighting is never the answer..."

She looks up at me with these tear filled eyes and all I can do is take her by the hand and encourage her to start walking again, taking a sedate pace this time back to Gemini's.  
  
I end up finding an anger management councilor for the kiddo after the incident, and have her start doing yoga with me and Gemini.

almost 3 months pass after coming to Crossroads and then me and the kiddo are moving into our own place. The money I had come with and the paychecks from both jobs plus doing online surveys and the little side business I made from making and selling jewelry and the rare art commission help pay for the place. It's not much, but its home.   
I'm finally starting to get my shit together and be an adult.... about time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: "Elastic Heart" by Sia


	7. Obtaining Our Bearings

"Obtaining Our Bearings"

the cold of winter keeps me with the heater running almost full blast tonight.    
its roasty toasty warm indoors, but fuck its cold outdoors, and i can't help but think:   
_i'm just asking for a cold aren't i?_  
the kid's asleep in the backroom while i go through a treasure box filled with trinkets, mementos and old journals i had written in when before she was born.   
i remember writing in the book currently in my hands, a pink leather journal with recycled white paper, all the things i wanted for her to learn,plans that Bjorn and i had made to 'raise her right'.  
the first time we tried to be together it had been a disaster and i ran, this second time is starting to look like a mistake even as we try to be civil, to be on amicable terms, to just get along for her sake....  
something deep in my gut keeps telling me that i should run but still... i keep thinking that its just the paranoid side coming out to poke things and not let me enjoy what might be genuine this time around...  
to say that gemini and leo were ok with my decision would be very close to a lie...   
if anything, it drove a wedge between myself and leo and strained the friendship between me and gemini...   
sure, she told me that she understood but i felt like i had disappointed her the most out of the two...  
scattered among the items in the box, sitting on the carpeted floor in the living room, i find pictures... some of my family, some of the landscape of what was once home and of iowa when i first arrived, and then of Bjorn and myself and then with the kid....   
i  look so pregnant but so happy in one with Bjorn before the kid was born.  
with a sigh i flip through the pages of the journal, going past the lists of things i thought we would need to make his place into a home for us, past the medical history of his family and mine to a page filled with a personal promise i had made myself before she was born... 

              _"i promise that i'll never let a man make my daughter think that the word whore is painted in invisible ink on her forehead, or let her suffer that stigma as i had. i promise to never let my daughter think that if a man touches her inappropriately that it was her fault, or let the man who hurt my daughter get away scot free, or think that she's lying for attention..... i promise to never let my daughter suffer as i did to live with the memory of innocence wrongfully lost...."_   

i reread the words over and over again, running my fingers over the fading black ink, a growing knot settling in my stomach with each reading...   
has she been acting differently?  
has she been cranky? moody? sullen? withdrawn?  
maybe a little...   
any time his friends come around to visit i find myself pulling back and isolating myself in the backroom, giving him and his friends space and the kid's there with me to color or draw in peace away from the noise.  
lately thought, i've noticed that when Ryu comes over that he hovers around the kid and me, trying to find excuses to come to the back room to talk and make nice.  
i know that he's trying to get into my pants, his interest in me never waned after i had left, and his immediate hovering around my daughter gives me a bad vibe.  
its not even the blue dot already over his head because of extenuating circumstances and corrupted law that makes me feel uncomfortable with leaving him with my daughter, its the fact that i know he's trying to use her as a gateway to get into my pants... as if it would ever work.  
giving a soft sigh, i close the book, setting it back in the treasure box with the other things inside, closing the lid to pick up the box and get to my feet.   
maybe i'm just poking at things again... maybe its just my imagination...   
i try to rationalize it all away, bearing in mind that if Ryu or any of his friends ever tried anything, if Bjorn didn't kill them, i most certainly would. i quietly make my way to the backroom to get some sleep, hoping that it stops snowing outside before Bjorn has to get back home from work tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: "Obokuri-eeumi" by Ikue Asazaki from Samurai Champloo soundtrack


	8. Closer

"Closer"

Its been forever since the last time that I've gone to a bar let alone played pool. A month after settling into our new home, I finally decided it was time to go out and have fun.   
Gemini was more than willing to watch the kiddo for me, wishing me a good time before sending me on my way.   
I'd had my eye on a bar just a couple blocks from my place that apparently boasted a karaoke night on the weekends. It looked like a decent place and I figured if nothing else I could try doing karaoke without associating it with the things I had walked away from. Ok, maybe I was secretly hoping that there'd be a pool table or two so the night wouldn't be a waste.   
My hopes were rightly placed as I walked into the White Horse, the two pool tables on one side along with a couple of darts boards the first thing I see before I take note of the stage in the middle and then the bar on the other end, the offkey singing of some bar patron making me cringe just a little.  
There's a group of guys playing at one of the tables so instead of making a beeline for the free table I go and order a Rum and Coke for myself.   
I watch as the offkey singer onstage finishes her rendition of Kryptonite before I make my way to the still available pool table, kinda wishing that I coulda had someone to hang with and possibly play a few rounds.   
ah, well there's always next time.   
The night drags on as I listen to one offkey singer after another butcher some of my favorite songs  while I play a solo game of pool, the guys at the other table having gone for drinks before I notice that one of them seems familiar.   
N _o way... It can't be..._    
Not paying attention as I try to be subtle with the people watching, I end up missing my shot, the pool cue glancing off the cue ball and making it spin a few inches before stopping, almost as though it were mocking me.   
_Damn it...._    
I can't help but hope that nobody noticed that pathetic shot as I feel my face begin to heat. Glancing up towards the other table, almost against my will, a fresh wave of embarrassment has me considering calling it a night as I reach for what remains of my drink.   
Somebody saw.   
That someone in particular looking very much like someone I've had a thing for for a while.   
I try to convince myself that it can't possibly be him, he couldn't possibly be anywhere near crossroads as far as I know, then again I could be wrong, its been a while since I've tried to talk to him online.   
Thanks anxiety for that one....   
Finishing off my drink, I debate for a moment whether I should get myself another or just call it an early night, when I hear footsteps come closer my way. 

"you know if you actually keep your eye on the cue ball, you  might just actually hit it, right?"

There's teasing amusement in that deep voice that has a shiver running down my spine and my heart fluttering just a little.   
_Oh my gods... it_ _ **is**_ _him...._

"well, I was sorta paying attention, then again, I thought my multitasking was a little better...."

Turning towards the voice just behind me, I can't help the blush that comes to my face as I come face to face with Wolf.   
_ok, don't flirt,_ _ **don't**_ _flirt....._

"So.... Like what you see, Wolf?"

 _oh my god, I said don't flirt!_  
I try my best to keep my gaze from drinking him in but its not easy when he just so happens to be 6 feet of yummy on a stick.  
There's a moment of confusion on his face before I see recognition click in his gaze.

"Astrid? I thought you were up in Iowa?"

I can feel the tug at the corner of my mouth as I try to keep the grin wanting to cross my face subdued. 

"Yeah, about that... It didn't work out... Um, wanna go a round? Its no fun playing by myself."

Just to keep myself from standing around awkwardly I move to continue with my solo game, trying to line up a shot, my face feeling hot and the most inopportune bout of shyness almost winning over the desire to keep the conversation going as I realize just how bad part of that sentence sounded.   
_Shit, shit, shit.... phrasing much?_

The grin on his face before he picks up a cue stick has me squirming on the inside with embarrassment. That is until he calls stripes.  
The rest of the night is spent catching up and despite the initial awkwardness and fucking shyness on my part, it turns out to be a fun night with just a bit of flirting on both sides.   
He offers me a ride home in his truck when I decide I have to call it a night and even though I still feel a little self conscious, I end up accepting.  
Its a short ride back to my place but I wish it could last longer. I end up wishing him a decent night when we get to my place, lingering to watch him drive off for a moment after getting out of his truck before heading inside.

Tonight turned out to be decent after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: "Closer" by The Chainsmokers


	9. Call Me Call Me

"Call me Call me"

I should have known better. I should have never opened my heart to him, but I was an idiot, weak for him and now I'm paying for it again....  
There's been nothing but radio silence between us for days now, my nights are spent alone and I can't help but overthink things.  
Gemini's been there for me, trying to help me rationalize things away but in the end all I can honestly think is that I shouldn't have gotten used to having him around.  
I feel like a hollowed out husk most days, going through the motions of  getting the kid up and ready for school before dropping her off and heading off for work.  
I think in her own way, the kid misses him too.   
I avoid going out to the bar we had met up at, not wanting to go down memory lane and start spending more time at home with the kid.  
After the first month of doing my best not to break down in front of the kid, I finally crack. It's not pretty.   
I double down on therapy soon after.  
And then I start drinking after the kid goes to sleep to be able to sleep at night.  
I know, not the healthiest coping mechanism, but then again, when have I ever chosen healthy coping mechanisms?  
One day Bjorn decides to call out of the blue. There's no hatred in his tone, just quiet concern.   
It's not what I expect having to deal with him.  
I'm cautious and only open up the barest of minimum while I down shot after shot of Krakken Rum with coke.  
I must have slurred at some point because he asks me how many I've had.   
I don't even remember.   
Now there seems to be genuine worry in his tone when he speaks.  
I don't usually drink and he knows it.   
He's tentative in probing past the obvious walls I have up where he's concerned, like he's walking on eggshells with me.   
The thought has me laughing before a sob escapes me.   
_no... no... I will not break down over the phone with_ _ **him**_ _._  
I make up an excuse to quickly get off the phone with him before I can feel the first of many tears make its way down my face.   
Kiddo's asleep upstairs, I don't wanna wake her. I make my way to the bathroom as quietly as I can, glass in hand before the first sob can escape just as the door closes behind me.   
It's been almost 2 whole months now... and I still miss him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: "Call Me Call Me" by Steve Conte from Cowboy Bebop OST


	10. I'll Be Good

“I’ll be Good”

I never thought I'd come back to the place that I once called home as a child.   
The last time I was here was after mom had gotten me and the kiddo out of a bad situation with Bjorn.   
I’d almost find it funny that he’s the one at my side coming back here if not for the reason behind my return.  
Stepping through the front doorway brings back memories i’m not ready for yet.   
Things on the inside look so different now after all this time.   
So much had changed after I left again, it's almost jarring.   
The kiddo doesn’t understand why we’re back though, she just runs in calling for grandma and grandpa, and something inside me wants to break.   
The room to the left that's supposed to be dad’s mechanic room is padlocked, something I never thought I’d see and the room across from it that used to be my old room is free of the woodpile to one side of it.   
It's so quiet inside without the sound of dogs in the backyard barking and howling for food and attention.   
When the kiddo realizes that the door to the back room is locked, she comes back to my side and grabs me by the hand, pulling me towards the door.

“Mama, keys. Hurry.”

Damn it. I let her pull me along as I fish for the keys that were left for me and Bjorn, finding the right key to unlock the door. I almost don’t want to do it, not if it means seeing the look of disappointment on the kiddo’s face.  
She doesn’t wait after I manage to unlock the door, just pushes on in, rushing in happily.   
The sight that greets us when the door opens nearly brings a whimper of pain from me.   
Their beds are bare. Just mattresses on bed frames dad had made long ago.  
I’m not ready for this. I don’t want to say goodbye.  
I can feel the tears wanting to fall as the kiddo rushes back out to the hallway and towards the kitchen door, calling out louder for grandma.   
That door is locked too.   
Bjorn takes the keys when I don't make a move to go after the kiddo, telling her to wait with so much patience in his tone.  
I wish I had come back sooner. I wish the last thing I ever said to mom wasn’t something out of frustration.   
I can hear the kiddo’s footsteps as she goes up the stairs, Bjorn close behind her, the happy tone to her voice is gone as she calls for grandma now.   
Blinking back the tears as best as I can, I find the strength to leave what was  **their** room and head back out to the hall and up the stairs after the kiddo and Bjorn, hearing her already pounding on the door to the upstairs room.  
Bjorn’s having a hard time finding the right key and she’s getting panicky before I reach the last step. 

“Grandma’s not here”

Oh, gods… I'm not ready to hear her say that familiar phrase.  
Bjorn finally finds the right key but by the time he gets the door unlocked and opened, the kiddo’s no longer eager to see if we can find grandma.   
There’s boxes in the way. Lots of boxes and a narrow walkway to what was the kiddo and my old room before we left again.   
It looks so lonely and empty with just a bed in one corner, the old school big screen tv on its stand in the other corner and a few things that never got sent for.   
When she turns around to look at me, the tears in her eyes is what makes me lose what little composure I had managed to keep that when she runs to me I can’t help the first sob that escapes me as she wraps her arms around my waist and buries her face in my chest.   
Oh, kiddo…. I’m so sorry…   
I hug her tightly to me as her shoulders start to shake and she begins to cry in earnest with hiccuping sobs, asking me where grandma is.  
I don’t know what to say.   
What can i say to her?   
My eyesight’s blurring as tears track their way down my face unchecked.  
Every argument, every long discussion, every mother-daughter moment I had ever had in this house with mom comes rushing back.   
Every birthday, both the kiddo’s and mine, every pet we ever acquired and lost in this house that I can remember and everything in between just hits me at once.   
All the good and the bad. And it hurts.  
I barely register when Bjorn’s arms wrap around the both of us, holding us close until i hear his voice soft near my ear, telling me to breathe.   
He murmurs apologies to us, words of comfort and I can’t take it anymore.   
Something breaks.  
I just want my mom and dad back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: "I'll be good" by Jaymes Young


	11. Promise

“Promise”

 

_The soft lulling sound of the box fan sitting on the window sill circulating the cooler air from outside is the only sound in the kiddo’s room as I wait for her to fully drift off to sleep, my phone set on dim and silent while I read some random fanfic I found online._   
_Today had been a decent day, spent at the public pool just to escape the heat of summer for a little while, topped off after with pizza, ice cream and watching a few movies once we got home at least till I noticed her head dip a few times as she tried to stay awake._   
_I’m barely getting to the fourth chapter, so engrossed in this fic that it takes me a minute to register the soft snoring sounds coming from the kiddo on the other side of the alaskan king bed._   
_Giving a soft sigh, I reach for the folded light sheet on top of the pair of light blankets at the end of the bed, spreading it out to cover her from potentially getting too cold before I quietly get out of bed and make my way out of the room and down the stairs._   
_Theres a part of me that wishes today could have been shared with Wolf but I doubt he’d go for the domestic family outing._   
_The living room’s finally starting to cool down which makes the prospect of posting up on the couch more appealing than going outside with all the mosquitoes and other bloodsucker nuisances._   
_Ok, maybe i’m hoping that Wolf might show up unannounced after work._   
_The bean bag chair I settle in after cleaning up the living room is at least cool to the touch when I get back to my fanfic, curling up like a cat to continue reading._   
_I lose track of time reading till there's a knock at the door. I’m at chapter 19 before I notice what time it is._   
_4 A.M._   
_There's a small smile on my face as I get to my feet and head for the door, not bothering to check through the peephole as I unlock and open the door, fully expecting to see Wolf standing there._   
_The sight that greets me leaves my blood running cold before the sharp sting of a knife in the gut steals my breath away._   
_Sweet bloody moon…. how did he find me?  
There's hatred in his eyes mixed with glee as he twists the knife, white hot agony blooming in my gut making me almost double over as he leans in close to whisper in my ear._

_“You should have listened when I warned you about fucking me over astrid…. I always keep my word bitch….”_

_Whatever else he would have said is cut off when the soft cry coming from the room upstairs gets his attention._   
_The kiddo’s woken up, probably from a nightmare, and I'm not there._   
_No…. please, no…._   
_Its adrenaline that has me trying to divert his attention, grab onto his wrist and hope to god that he doesn’t pull the blade out._   
_His angry gaze is back on me before he yanks the blade out at the same time I feel his fist make contact with the side of my head._   
_Everything hurts._   
_I can hear the kiddo calling for me again, panic in her tone before his footsteps make their way into our home and up the stairs._   
_No…. this can’t be happening…._   
_She’s crying and I can’t get up, the pain in my gut too much to bear as I slip and fall back to the ground. There's a growing puddle under me of crimson.  
My vision is blurring around the edges before the last thing I hear is her screaming for me._

*********************************************

My hearts in my throat as I jerk awake almost violently on the bean bag chair, a frightened whimper escaping me as it takes a few minutes to register that i’m actually awake, gaze roaming my surroundings quickly.  
Hot scalding tears are running down my face before I realize that I'm trembling bad.   
I feel weak,disoriented. The dream is still too close to the surface.   
I almost expect to feel pain bloom in my gut from a nonexistent gut wound as I get to my feet and quickly make my way up the stairs to my daughter’s room.  
She’s asleep, on her side, the light sheet half on and half off of her as she quietly snores on oblivious.  
Relief bubbles up and it takes everything in me to not start outright sobbing, hand over my mouth helping only a little. My legs feel like rubber and the urge to bawl my eyes out has me quickly and quietly making my way out of the room and down the stairs.  
I’m halfway down the stairs when my phone goes off, beeping to let me know I have a new text message.  
I want to ignore it and just get to the bathroom to cry in peace but something keeps nagging at me to look at the text.   
How I wish I hadn't….

_“ This text is to inform you that there has been a change in the custody status of the offender Trace Manfred. This offender has been released into supervised community-based corrections while on probation or parole. This change took place on 5/15/20xx._

_For more information, crime victims can contact the Department of Correction's Central Office of Victim Programs at…”_

  
My legs almost give out as I get into the bathroom.  
This can’t be happening…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: "Promise (Reprise)" from Silent Hill 2 OST


	12. Lift Off

“Lift off”

Life goes on. It always does.   
Six months pass by before I get a random text message from some girl named Rei.   
She apologizes to me on behalf of Wolf.   
He must have told her about me.   
Initially it hurts. Initially i don't want to deal with it.  
I want to scream and rage and curse him but in the end I realize that despite everything, I still love him.   
I still see so much of me in him...  
I still see him as the mirror of my soul, as broken as he is.   
Over the weeks Rei and I get to know each other, come to understand one another.   
He left her too for some other girl.   
He still has so much growing up to do.   
We share our pain and our love for him.   
A friendship grows between us and with Gemini's help we both seem to flourish.  
It's almost a year after he left, and I still love him.   
Rei's moved on to better things, happy with someone new.   
It's gotten easier to take back the things that I came to love because of him.   
And then one day out of the blue I get a text that I never thought I'd get.   
He's reaching out to me again.  
I fight with myself over it.   
It took me a year to find this inner peace, but still deep down inside I still love him, I still care about him, i still want good things for him....   
That love for him wins out in the end and has me answering his text.   
He expected me to yell, to cuss him out... my quiet acceptance and understanding surprise him...   
He apologizes for hurting me. For leaving.   
Things didn't work out with the other girl. It didn't feel right. He realized the mistake he made in walking away.  
He's finally growing up.   
We talk over the next few weeks.   
At the same time, Gemini cautions me to be careful.  
She was angry for me when she found out everything.   
I love her for being such a good friend, I know she worries that it'll end badly again but this time feels different.  
Trust slowly grows back again, we talk almost every day.   
He’s in Texas to be with his dad in his last days.   
And since he’s been there he’s done a lot of soul searching.  
He knows he has a lot of atoning to do.... but it won't be done alone.   
We finally define our feelings for each other, give voice to the things we didn’t dare before.   
My walls are coming down with him, there's only honesty and openness with him and despite what happened before, he seems to find his way past almost all of the walls, all of the landmines.   
There's just one last wall left but it won’t come down till he comes back.   
He’s promising me he will.   
I’ll believe it when he finally comes home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: "Lift Off" by Mike Shinoda [feat. Chino Moreno and Machine Gun Kelly]


	13. Somewhere Only We Know

“Somewhere only we know”

_I haven't been ok in weeks, I've been spiraling and everything's been getting to me._   
_Anything mom says feels like an attack and I've been talking to Bjorn more and more in the past few weeks._   
_He's said he's seen how things turned bad between us and he's sorry._   
_The anger and mutual hatred seems to have cooled._   
_I should have been worried when things started going decently between him and me._

  
_I didn't do something again, and dad's angry at me again._   
_He's stonewalling, silent treatment and just ignoring me._   
_Fine, if he wants to be an ass, let him be an ass._

  
_Mom starts in on me, nitpicking again._   
_I can only take so much._   
_She keeps going and all the hatred and anger towards her, him and myself comes out._   
_I don't mean for it to come out but she just won't stop._   
_We're shouting at each other._   
_The kiddo has a front seat for it all._   
_She's trying to stop us, trying to get in the middle with no luck._   
_And then He tromps in, boots heavy to the ground._   
_The first thing out of his mouth makes me feel so small._   
_I'm just a child throwing a temper tantrum._   
_He tells my kid I'm crazy._   
_He tries to lead mom away but i see red._   
_I finally tell him everything I've kept in check all these years._   
_Its black, vile, ugly and i wish i could shut up, wish i could stop picking at that old wound._   
_But it was never dealt with._   
_It was allowed to fester._   
_It made me think all i was good for was to be used for sex._   
_It made me think that i had an invisible sign over my head that said "easy, whore, anyone's meat"._   
_There's so much anger, I'm choking on it._   
_Tears running down my face unchecked as it all spews out._   
_Pedophile._   
_Monster._   
_I was a kid._   
_He was the adult._   
_I NEVER ASKED FOR IT!_   
_I should have told the rest of the family_

  
_Mom tries to make me shut up and my anger has a new target._   
_Her words from when she found out still ring in my head._   
_Still make me believe she knew._   
_Its all black and ugly that comes out of me._   
_The fact that I hurt her, hurt the both of them, make them see just what their "parenting" has made me out to be doesn't seem to make the ugly stop flowing._

  
_The slap to the face finally gets me to shut up._   
_I taste blood._   
_My lip is split open._   
_Same place as the last time it was ever split open._   
_Except this time i can't joke and say that i got into a fight with a cordless phone and the phone won._

  
_He's so angry with me._   
_Self righteous hatred._   
_He's yelling._   
_I'm such an ungrateful child, living under their roof with my kid, him footing the bills that bjorn should have by all right been taking care of, but no, because all I can ever do is choose losers._   
_He doesn't want me in his house._   
_Fine._   
_Fuck you too._

  
_I head upstairs, the kiddo en tow._   
_She's crying, not understanding._   
_She wants to go with grandma._   
_Regret and shame fill me._   
_What have I done?_   
_I have nowhere to go... No, that's a lie..._   
_There's one place I can go..._

  
_I storm into my room, slam the door behind me and the kiddo goes to cower in a corner of the bed, crying her little heart out._   
_I feel like such a monster._   
_Damn it..._   
_We can't stay here...._   
_I dig out the rolling suitcases and start packing my things._   
_I reach for my laptop and call Bjorn._   
_He was asleep but the moment he sees that I'm crying and packing my stuff he's alert._

  
_I tell him what happened._

  
_He's making plans to get the first plane out here._   
_I don't want to go back, but I've made my bed._

  
_So much for family._   
_So much for trying to get my life together._   
_God, i'm such a fuck up._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration: "somewhere only we know" Keane


End file.
